Monday, April 13, 2015

Broken things

It's been a while.

I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore, which is why I'm writing here as opposed to anywhere else.

A month and a half ago I had a skiing accident. I broke my left femur and crushed my T12 vertebra. The femur sucks pretty bad, but an orthopedic surgery team bored out my bone marrow and shoved a titanium rod in place. They told me I could hike the Appalachian trail on that leg as soon as the pain went down. Maybe I will. Maybe I fucking will.

The back is another story.

So I'm in this TLSO brace, right? Stands for Thoracic-Lumbar-Saccral Orthosis. Keeps your back from bending and twisting or doing really any of the things you typically want your back to be doing. It's a pain. Sometimes literally, because when I sit the curve of the brace will press into the curve of my spine, helpfully directly into my T12 vertebra.

I'm really scared. I probably will be fine, but there's this possibility that I'll need a fusion. I'm in very little pain right now other than the minor annoyance I just mentioned. A fusion virtually guarantees significant pain in the future. It would impact my mobility significantly, which would make several of my future plans non-viable.

And I feel awfully, horrendously selfish for being so scared. I have friends who have dealt with much, much worse than this. Why am I being such a fucking baby about it? They're moving on, living good lives. Sure, they've had a couple years to cope with the idea and I've had... okay I guess it's been like four days since I heard the fusion was an option... but that's beside the point. And that's why I'm writing here instead of talking to someone. See, there's social rewards for being brave in the face of shitty life stuff, so I post that shit on facebook sometimes just for the added "hey, it's worth it to keep trying, these people like you" bump. But even when I talk about how well I'm doing, and I really AM doing well, I feel awful because I worry that I'm flaunting my successes in the face of my friends who aren't doing as well.

I've become boring because this is all I can think about. I don't do anything. I try to write... it comes out dusty and dry and boring. So I sit and watch shitty TV shows because even though I could go to work my boss hasn't answered my e-mails in a while and I don't really even know if I still have a job.

I'm having a really hard time envisioning the future because I don't know what is going to happen to me medically. I'm having a hard time engaging my imagination at all, which is part of the trouble I'm having with writing. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it can be fixed by anything other than going back out and trying to have a life, but I don't know when I'll be able to do that either.

I'm so sick of being like this and it's only been a month. God help me if this continues much longer.

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